Boundaries

Over time it’s easy to allow people to behave in a way that you don’t like.  It could start off innocently enough, telling an off color joke or having someone dump their troubles on you.  Perhaps it only happens once in a while.  When the behavior becomes more frequent and you are uncomfortable or the situation becomes unpleasant, it’s time to set a new boundary.  For many of my clients, setting boundaries doesn’t come easily.  Following are some steps that should help the process.

“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”  Eleanor Roosevelt

Step 1:  Decide that you will not tolerate the behavior any more.  You’ve got to get this firmly in your mind.  You do not have to justify the validity of your feelings.

Step 2:  Inform.  The person may not realize that their behavior is bothering you.  You’ll want to say something like “Do you realize that you are yelling?” or “Do you realize that comment hurt me?”  If they continue with the unwanted behavior, then take the next step, only after you’ve informed them.  Sometimes informing does the trick.

Step 3:  Request.  Ask them to stop the unwanted behavior.  If they still don’t get it and the behavior continues, go onto the next step.

Step 4:  Insist or demand.  These steps may seem difficult, remember you are an adult and you don’t have to put up with behavior from others that you don’t like.

Step 5:  Leave – without any snappy comebacks or remarks.  People who care about you will respect your boundaries.  Not saying a  word and walking out on the situation can be the most powerful form of communication you have at this point.

Steps 2 – 4 should be delivered in a neutral tone of voice.  Never correct someone in front of another person and especially not in a meeting.  Express what you really want – what they should do in the future.  The first time you go through this process may be uncomfortable; it will get easier with practice.

Bonus tip:  Get in the habit of addressing everything that bothers you on the spot or as soon as possible and appropriate afterward.  Don’t ignore the little stuff.  This will do wonders building your self-confidence.  This takes practice and the 5 step model above can help.  Most of us have been taught that ignoring rude remarks is “nice”.

What steps do you take to set your boundaries?  Do you have any tips that we could add to this?  Do you have any stories you’d like to share?  Leave your comments below.

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